Thoughts on Sadness and Loneliness

It seems like sadness and heartbreaking events come in waves, and I think that's usually because once one thing happens that breaks your heart a little, you start to recognize everything else sad and lonely that was already there before. And eventually things move forward, and everything is ok again.

But right now, it seems like everything sad and heartbreaking is punching me in the face, and my heart is full to overflowing with sadness and loneliness. A week ago tomorrow, my amazing great-grandmother passed away, and I thought my heart was going to break. Yesterday a man I worked with a few summers ago passed away, and that really hurts too. Tom Magliozzi passed away. My dear friend had a family member pass away. This semester, 2 people in separate incidents were beheaded in my state. A resident in my area died in a drunk driving accident. I follow HONY on fb, and it seems like most of the pictures this week capture just how broken humanity is. Death hurts. But death is the inevitable end that we all face, no matter how good or bad, happy or sad, full or empty our life was.

Matthew 5 is simultaneously confusing but encouraging, because I'm not feeling too blessed right now as I mourn the loss of several dear people, and I'm not feeling overly comforted either. But in my head I know that I am not alone in my sadness; Jesus wept over the loss of a dear friend (John 11), and his love for those I've lost far exceeds my own love for them. His heart breaks for the brokenness in our world, because it's not how he planned it. But even though we all mess up daily and live in a hurting world because of our sin, I have hope and confidence that one day there won't be any more death, pain, or sadness to live through (Revelation 21). I cannot imagine dealing with death without this hope, because without it, death is extremely final. I know that grieving takes time, and healing will come, but I don't know how much more sadness I can face right now.

The result of all this sadness is to exacerbate the loneliness I've been feeling this semester. I'm older and busier than most of the people I see regularly, and thus I'm not really good friends with many of them. I pretty much never see most of my friends from freshman and sophomore year, because they've all graduated, moved, or are (like me) too busy to do much hanging out. And I'm also at that awkward point in life where a lot of people my age are in serious relationships, getting engaged, and getting married. I'm not exactly sitting around pining away for my "Prince Charming," but it's weird to feel like the only one not dating or married. Because when friends start talking about the future and their relationships, I have nothing to contribute to the conversation because I can't relate to that part of life. Living far away from home doesn't help, either. I miss my parents and siblings so much, and I hate that I miss most of my brother's soccer games and my sister's dance/theater performances, and I feel like I still only barely know my sister-in-law. I want to be able to spend time with all these people!

I know that this is a super selfish train of thought, and I'm trying to remember that there are so many people going through sadness and loneliness right now, and they need just as much love and comfort as I do. And I know that this is just a period in my life, and in a very short amount of time it's going to end, and I'm going to move on to something totally different. And I know that while I feel lonely and sort of friendless, I actually have many loving and supportive friends who have made me food, cried with me, and generally cared for me the last few months as Memmie's health was declining and her life was drawing to a close. I am so grateful for these people, who don't care that my face looks stupid when I cry a lot, and don't care that I'm being really selfish and having a pity party. I am blessed, I am loved, and with support and a loving God, I will make it through.

Feeding His Lambs

Ever since church camp a few years ago, I'll periodically think of the story in John 21 where Jesus reinstates Peter. We went over it in my camp small group one day, and before that I didn't really know it very well at all. It struck me as interesting, because I don't know of any other events or stories quite like it in the New Testament. Recently, I have come to understand verse 15 a little more personally, in that I feel convicted to literally do what it says: feed His lambs. The thought of people not getting to eat is awful to me, and I want to do everything I can to get people food. I haven't quite figured out how I'm going to make this happen regularly though.

Recently I got the opportunity to help make food for two 8th grade girls from a Confirmation group I helped lead last semester who both recently had surgery. Now, neither one were in any danger of not eating, but it is a step in the right direction to care for those going through something rough. One of the girls injured her arm over spring break, but due to recent complications had to have the break re-fixed and start the healing process all over again. The other had surgery on her shoulder, and will have a long recovery. I complain every day with regularity, but I've come to realize that I am the most thankful and complaint-free when I work to help those who have something real to complain about! There is real joy in giving your time to God and serving Him through kindness to His children, and if I would spend more time on that and less time on me, then I'd be much happier and healthier!

With that in mind, I have been helping out at VBS this week in the evenings. I have been somewhat grumpy about it, because I didn't exactly have a choice to help or not, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that it is a blessing. So many kids come who don't get regular attention or access to crafts and fun activities, and I get to help them have at least one really fun week this summer!

One very neat project we are doing at VBS is making origami cranes to send to Japan. Each crane represents one prayer, and our church is trying to make and send 1,000 cranes. I was told that many years ago, a church in Japan sent our church 1,000 cranes (and prayers) after some sort of catastrophe or natural disaster, and now we are sending them 1,000 cranes (and prayers) in response to the earthquake. I love that the body of Christ is so connected that we can make something as simple as paper cranes with a group of children from around our city and make a difference halfway across the globe!

Did You Know? (and a few other thoughts)

I found this on a blog of note. It goes to show what Dad has always said, it's not what you learn, it's learning how to learn. And, so what? This question really got me thinking. Are we really living in the best times? And what would make them the best times? Technology? I could argue on either side. On the one hand, people 200 years ago didn't know about or want our modern toys and gadgets, so they aren't really missing anything. But on the other hand, I love taking pictures, and point-and shoots are quite new. And those just barely scratch the surface of then vs. now. But, technology is not the most important thing. It isn't anywhere near the most important thing. In the past Christianity was the accepted religion in places like Europe and North America, but this does not mean that all people then were wonderful godly people. There were still drunks, thieves and people who had no religious inclination, just like there are today. As well, there was a lot of segregation in the church because of money, nationality and gender. Doesn't it say in Galatians 3:28 "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus." And although today the church has become much more welcoming and accepting, we now fight, argue and break apart fighting over whether or not you should play instruments in church, or if girls should wear pants or skirts, or if you must be baptized in order to go to heaven. In many ways, people for the last 2000 years have totally missed the point of what it means to be a Christian. To Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength is the most important commandment, followed by loving your neighbor as yourself (Mark 12:29-31). I think if we all worked more to fulfill these two commandments instead of the comparatively trivial points of doctrine, we would be much closer to what we are called to be doing.

I realize that last bit didn't have much to do with the video, but the video is what triggered it all.

~Ellentia