It seems like sadness and heartbreaking events come in waves, and I think that's usually because once one thing happens that breaks your heart a little, you start to recognize everything else sad and lonely that was already there before. And eventually things move forward, and everything is ok again.
But right now, it seems like everything sad and heartbreaking is punching me in the face, and my heart is full to overflowing with sadness and loneliness. A week ago tomorrow, my amazing great-grandmother passed away, and I thought my heart was going to break. Yesterday a man I worked with a few summers ago passed away, and that really hurts too. Tom Magliozzi passed away. My dear friend had a family member pass away. This semester, 2 people in separate incidents were beheaded in my state. A resident in my area died in a drunk driving accident. I follow HONY on fb, and it seems like most of the pictures this week capture just how broken humanity is. Death hurts. But death is the inevitable end that we all face, no matter how good or bad, happy or sad, full or empty our life was.
Matthew 5 is simultaneously confusing but encouraging, because I'm not feeling too blessed right now as I mourn the loss of several dear people, and I'm not feeling overly comforted either. But in my head I know that I am not alone in my sadness; Jesus wept over the loss of a dear friend (John 11), and his love for those I've lost far exceeds my own love for them. His heart breaks for the brokenness in our world, because it's not how he planned it. But even though we all mess up daily and live in a hurting world because of our sin, I have hope and confidence that one day there won't be any more death, pain, or sadness to live through (Revelation 21). I cannot imagine dealing with death without this hope, because without it, death is extremely final. I know that grieving takes time, and healing will come, but I don't know how much more sadness I can face right now.
The result of all this sadness is to exacerbate the loneliness I've been feeling this semester. I'm older and busier than most of the people I see regularly, and thus I'm not really good friends with many of them. I pretty much never see most of my friends from freshman and sophomore year, because they've all graduated, moved, or are (like me) too busy to do much hanging out. And I'm also at that awkward point in life where a lot of people my age are in serious relationships, getting engaged, and getting married. I'm not exactly sitting around pining away for my "Prince Charming," but it's weird to feel like the only one not dating or married. Because when friends start talking about the future and their relationships, I have nothing to contribute to the conversation because I can't relate to that part of life. Living far away from home doesn't help, either. I miss my parents and siblings so much, and I hate that I miss most of my brother's soccer games and my sister's dance/theater performances, and I feel like I still only barely know my sister-in-law. I want to be able to spend time with all these people!
I know that this is a super selfish train of thought, and I'm trying to remember that there are so many people going through sadness and loneliness right now, and they need just as much love and comfort as I do. And I know that this is just a period in my life, and in a very short amount of time it's going to end, and I'm going to move on to something totally different. And I know that while I feel lonely and sort of friendless, I actually have many loving and supportive friends who have made me food, cried with me, and generally cared for me the last few months as Memmie's health was declining and her life was drawing to a close. I am so grateful for these people, who don't care that my face looks stupid when I cry a lot, and don't care that I'm being really selfish and having a pity party. I am blessed, I am loved, and with support and a loving God, I will make it through.
